Thursday, March 09, 2006

Cause of Death

The Shalebug's autopsy report finally arrived. I knew it was coming. The medical examiner phoned on Thursday to say he closed the case. His findings: cause of death due to hypocalcemia of undetermined etiology.

Great, right? Mystery resolved. It was nothing my husband or I did. We put him to bed at 8:29 pm on Thursday night, where I had spent the last half an hour holding and kissing him. The two of us were watching E.R. I was being lazy and didn't want to get up, so my honey took the Bug and put him to bed. And the Bug was fine. All was well.

When I went in at 11 to give him my nightly kiss,(just another reason for me to slobber on him), the proverbial shit hit the fan. His bowels were extremely distended and he was moaning. We thought he had a bowel obstruction. We tried to clear it for him and by 1 am everything seemed better. We all went to bed. Mommy's intuition kicked in though, and I checked on him an hour later.

And my world ended. He was sick and pale. I thought, hell I don't know what I thought, I just KNEW. I picked him up and drove him to the hospital. It took me 23 minutes. It normally takes 55. He died in my car.

So for almost five months my husband and I have been dealing with the guilt of not having saved him.

The report said he would have died regardless.

So why does this hurt so much still?